Familiar territory of emotions 😕 day 52
Aug 29, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwFd5wO5vwE

today has been a long day
matter of fact I didn't even get a
chance to even check in with you guys
today
that is how absolutely 100% crazy today
has been and that is on a low spectrum
of the reality of how crazy my day was
because I sincerely wanted to pull my
hair out
many times today I wanted to I'm trying
to get you guys um it was just it was
just one of those days where it just
didn't feel like it was ever gonna stop
I'm just like ah god I needed to start
coming down I don't know if it's a age
thing Omar's going through I mean he's
three-and-a-half he'll be four in
February and I feel like he found this
new I don't even I don't even know just
a new level of energy energy that he is
sucking every thing out of me like
literally everything out of me
and he's not being bad by any means is
he being bad but it's just like holy cow
child like where are you getting this
energy I mean it's just it's something
else like I owe Marv
Jeremiah was never like that I mean he
had his times where he was like crazy
you know busy and you know being
interested in two things but never like
where you question if he got ahold of
something cuz I'm just like where is
this coming from you were not my child
right now I am sending you off to Egypt
with your grandmother
it was one of those days with him um and
as far as she so just goes with the flow
I mean most of the times goes with the
flow does her own think care less what
everybody's doing around her um plays in
the corner with her baby dolls and she
is good you bugger then we're gonna have
an issue but over they say the second
they say the middle child is the hardest
and I'm starting to believe it at least
in my family um but I successfully
finished finished Ali's room I'm gonna
call it and how far one town and they
have not looked like that again the only
thing Elsa I need to do is just put all
of his clothes into the dressers and
things like that but everything else is
done like the cleanings done that dusty
is done I mean it's all done and I'm
trying to think I think I don't know
honestly if I'm gonna do much tomorrow
as in like cleaning and stuff because I
felt it today my back is really really
hurting me I just got done actually
giving both the babies baths wash their
hair and to do that before but my two
little ones are like cats in water like
they're fine if you wash their bodies
but when it is hair washing night
because I don't wash their hair every
single night I wash it every other bath
time but when I wash it oh my god it's
like I'm sure all of West Salem here's
my kids and they know it's hot hair
washing night yeah and Jeremiah was the
exact same way I don't know what I ever
did wrong as a mother but it's coming
back to haunt me because all three of my
children that is the worst thing is bath
time again they like their body washed
but when you say okay let's tilt her
head back it's like oh no no it just it
expands to like it escalates to
like I am abusing my child seriously and
it's like oh my god calm down we are
just watching they're so doing that
though it tends to make me stand there
for much longer because I got to sit
there and talk to them and you know get
them to work with me so that way then I
can give them their bath and help them
explain you know understand we're gonna
wash her hair mommy's not gonna get
anything in your eyes but when you stay
on there and you have to negotiation
sometimes it takes longer and my back is
just filling it between doing the
bedroom today and bath time tonight I
plus I cleaned up the whole kitchen
after dinner and then I clean the
kitchen again after bath time that I'm
just like my back is screaming you need
to settle down Amy for just a little bit
so I'm not saying I'm not gonna do
anything tomorrow but I think like
cleaning wise and organizing wise other
than just my regular just routine
white-bean things down I think I'm just
gonna take a little bit of an easy
tomorrow just because I don't want to
push my back past comfort so that way
then I don't do any extra damage to the
lower part of my back because we are
getting stronger and I can feel this
strength growing but I don't want to do
anything to hinder that and set me back
so I think I'm just gonna respect my
back tomorrow and just kind of lay low
and take it easy Olli was like Amy
you've done way too much last couple
days he's like you probably do need to
take a break and I'm just like but it's
so hard because it feels good to be able
to do these things that I have dreamed
of doing for so long because I haven't
been able to because of my weight and
now that I'm able to it's like I just
want to go and go and go and I don't
want to stop and but I have to also
remind myself that I am still in the
process of healing and that's gonna take
a while so yeah I think that's what I'm
gonna be doing tomorrow
not like I was planning it but it's
alright everything's gonna be your the
next day I'm sure will be waiting for me
with a big Roebuck big grow big bow
woman that with my name on it sake I'm
clean
I'm sure nobody else is gonna do it but
anyways yeah it was just it was a
chaotic day between all of the cleaning
and stuff and then with Omar and I'm
trying to get schedules
down where because Jeremih starts school
September 5th I want to say things
September 5th and I want to this year I
wanted to be a lot different because I
the last couple years it there just
hasn't been much of a structured
schedule and I don't expect my son to be
a robot at any means but I also want
there to be structure during school year
I think that that's gonna be very
important especially with him going into
a higher grade I think that installing
all of this now will help him in the
future as he's getting further into
higher grades were the rest and the
studying and all of that comes into time
but I'm really confused because I've
been you know reading a lot and looking
up things of what I'm you know what what
is a realistic schedule for and well
he'll be 11 in April
like bedtime and you know should I
expect him to come straight home have a
snack and do homework I've heard a lot
of people say no that you know they're
in school for seven hours which is very
true they are in school for many hours
so to come home and get a snack and go
straight back to homework for another
you know X amount of time and sometimes
it's a couple extra hours that's a lot
on a child so I'm thinking that I agree
with a lot of the people that I've been
reading on that you know maybe I should
do where like when he comes home he'll
have a snack do some playtime you know
settle down spend some time with his
brother and sister because of course
awareness we're gonna be excited to see
him cuz they're gonna be missing them
through
the day and then when things were
starting to settle down for like bath
time and stuff with the little ones
that's when I'm thinking Ollie can set
aside time and do homework with him so
that he's got a good chunk of a break in
between school and homework and then
once homeworks done then we do the rest
of the nightly routine you know I
explained to him that during school time
ps4 is gonna be very limited I'm not
gonna allow him just to sit on ps4 every
single day when he comes home from
school from the time he walks through
the door to the time he goes to bed like
that's just not going to happen you know
I think that I'm gonna be limiting his
ps4 time to about an hour a day and he
can break that up into two differents
you know segments if you want to play
half an hour you know when he gets home
and a half an hour before bed but I want
at least 30 minutes of where he is
laying in bed either like reading well
see that's just it is you know homework
is reading so is that a legit thing to
make him lay in bed for another thirty
minutes even after he gets done doing
his homework and expecting him to sit
and read or should that last 30 minutes
be him
maybe quietly playing with his Legos I
kind of just want like all electronics
off I thought about doing where he can
watch a movie for an hour cuz he has to
be in his room at nine o clock because
that's when the babies go down for bed
so if I do nine o'clock and then he I've
put it at ten o'clock because he does
not require a lot of sleep at night um
to function so I was thinking well if I
put him in the room at 9:00 and then he
has until ten o'clock he can play Legos
or he could play like his ps4 from like
9:00 to 9:30 and then from 9:30 to 10:00
he can play like Legos or something like
that or I was thinking from 9:00 to
10:00 he can watch like a movie or
something but 10 o'clock
everything's off and
and bed but then you kind of have that
lect Roenick brain going still after you
shut off the stuff and I've heard that
that can take a while for you to adjust
from playing the electronic to actually
being able to go in to go to sleep so
I'm kind of I've never had a child
older than 10 I mean I've never had an
older child where you know my my
ultimate goals I want him to be as
successful as possible during the day
when it's school time and I want to see
him he did so good last year and he
really just he accomplished so much and
I'm so proud of him
but at the same time I want to be
realistic with him and not expect him
you know to not ever feel like he has
any freedom any life because that's
surely not a fun life either
you know weekends I told him he can have
ps4 and things like that you know it's
more just whatever as long as he doesn't
have like weekend homework or something
that he needs to be responsible to get
done then I'm totally cool with him um
you know playing ps4 and stuff but there
just has to be a certain schedule so if
any of you guys have any ideas of things
that work for you guys with your kids I
would love to hear all the ideas because
you know as a mom sometimes you just
don't know you just don't know what
really will work 100% and you want to be
the best you can for your child and so I
would love to hear what you guys have
done or any ideas I mean even if you're
not a parent sure you know maybe more
than I do you know some parents are some
people are like that so I would love to
hear some of your guys's interests and
comments on this of this subject um also
I did not get a chance I was going to do
show you
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oh um I was gonna do this today but
because of the chaos that was going on
with the cleaning and so I didn't get a
chance to do it so I'm gonna really work
hard on getting those the Nell thing
done tomorrow so that I can get that up
on the vlog when I before I post it
that's my goal let's not hold me to it
because we all know Amy but other than
that it was it was a good day and it was
successful and I had a lot of fun and I
got a lot of stuff accomplished that
I've been really really really really
really really trying to get done but I
think I've just been pushing harder
because I know school's coming back
winners right around the corner and I
don't want to be doing all this when
we've got rain and everything else and
so I told my husband because he told me
if you do my room I'll do the garage so
didn't I'm sitting there at dinner and
I'm like so honey
the garage is calling your name and to
see he goes and he he smokes his cigars
and he drinks his tea after dinner so he
was being a little smart but and he goes
oh I know
the garage is calling my name I'm gonna
go visit it here in a few minutes I'm
like what and he's like yeah I'm gonna
go out there for my tea and I'm like
that was not funny mm-hmm that was
beyond Albany so I'm hoping he'll get
that done like because I really want to
get it done I'm just oh I just want to
get the house organized it's driving me
absolutely bonkers
um but other than that um I think I had
told you guys I was gonna go with my mom
on Monday for birthday breakfast but
that didn't work out she had things to
do so then we were scheduled for Friday
for me and her to go out she wanted to
go on Fridays because she said that it
was her payday non my glue blue hey hey
we lack in that bag so she wanted to
take me out to lunch and go buy me an
outfit but now she called me tonight
well actually I called her to reconfirm
that we were still on for Friday but she
said
she's gonna have to cancel so I guess
we're not getting together right now and
that's okay I am totally okay she was
you know she felt really bad about it
and you know it I think it it comes with
the territory of how do I want to
describe this it comes with the
territory of the most familiar feelings
if that makes success any sense you know
as a child I remember you know I would
have my bags packed because we were
going to go for the weekend to visit mom
and then as we're sitting there I you
know on the couch waiting for her to
come you know whoever we were living
with at that time would be come in and
say well you know she's not gonna come
you know she's obviously an hour and a
half or two hours late you know so she's
not gonna make it and we'll you know I
usually I'm the one that would break
down and cry and you know I'd have a
meltdown and then I would be okay and go
on with life and then it would be
another repeat and then it got to the
point where she was working really hard
to get me back and um she was right
there like I was going back home with
her that that weekend and she relapsed
and ended up in jail so the state had to
after you know we had packed my boxes
and everything had to unpack everything
and so it's a familiar thing that I
recognized and I never hold my breath
with her anymore I kind of have let that
known not saying she doesn't feel bad
about it I'm not trying to throw her
under the bus and I'm not trying to make
you know make a story to where she looks
bad but it definitely still is something
that I am familiar with when it comes to
our relationship and
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again it's okay I mean I have to accept
it for what it is but I also have
learned to take everything with a grain
of salt when it comes to that and she is
just adamant adamant adamant about me
coming and spending the night up there
with my kids and I just I'm not in that
position where that's something I want
to do and I keep telling her you know no
I'm sorry but it's just not you know
it's not something that's gonna happen
and she you know I want you guys to come
up and have a slumber party and it's
like do you realize that I'm not five
anymore do you realize I'm 37 and I have
got three babies I've got a husband we
have a home we only live maybe 40
minutes if that
considering driving 40 minutes away like
why do we have to come and spend the
night like that's just silly to me and
you know Olly is just absolutely no he
likes being home at night you know we
have our routine with the kids you know
the babies have their routine and that's
just how things have been so why are we
gonna uproot everything I mean we went
to Seattle for Mother's Day last year so
not this year but yeah last year and we
brought everything from home that we
could keep ourselves comfortable because
we were staying in a hotel thank God for
only one night
and we didn't even sleep because our
kids were not comfortable I was not
comfortable I wanted my chair you know
Ali wanted his bed the babies were
comfortable because they're sleeping
together and they've never slept
together and it's just you know it's
really hard and I understand she
probably doesn't understand that part
because she's never really had to deal
with that stuff but it's still like well
you know stop pushing that why don't you
make the efforts to stick to your word
and calm down when the time was
scheduled I understand things come up
I'm not mad but it just goes to show
that again you know and she's like well
then I'll just come down tomorrow and
I'm like mom no I've got things which I
really don't have anything planned but I
just you know I'm
no that wasn't what was scheduled and I
don't know what tomorrow's holding and
you know I already had pre-planned
Friday around Ali's schedule and he was
gonna be home and it's just like you
know it's one of those things where I
can sit and get frustrated or just say
okay whatever I understand I know I get
it I get it from the person that's
coming from and move along which is what
I've chosen to do why Joe you know not
to get frustrated I just was like you
know like whatever I can't change it I
can't make something happen that's
clearly not gonna happen so anyways so
yeah that was a little update there so
Friday I am NOT going to breakfast or
lunch or anything with her so I don't
know for sure I'm thinking maybe I'm
gonna have the family do something I'm
not really sure I need check the weather
but I'm really wanting to go to the zoo
at least once before summer ends because
we have not been yet this year since the
babies are now walking and I think that
they will truly truly enjoy it this year
because they're so into animals Ezra is
in the Madagascar movie oMG that little
girl away from wanna oh that movie I get
shivers from now because that movie was
on replay and I'm not even exaggerating
I think we watched that thing probably
15 times in a 24-hour period every
single day we all know the worst from
front to end we know all the songs from
the beginning to the end yeah so it's
Moana that was her first jam then it
went to scene which seemed never really
bothered me I don't know why she she was
just like that was seeing as she was
with Moana but seeing just never got to
me like that and I could still watch
singing it doesn't irritate
she's kind of in-between right now
Oh Smurfs the Indian land or the lost
land I think it's the newest one I think
that they just came out with I didn't
even know they had anyone but she
watches Smurfs and then Madagascar
because she when they start to sing I
like to move it move she would like to
move it move it I like to move it move
it so she likes Madagascar and then Omar
he is just really into watching
documentaries on animals of all sorts
sharks and dinosaurs and lions and so I
really think this would be the funnest
time to take them because they're such
into animals right now so I'm really
thinking about talking only about maybe
doing the zoo this Friday thinking about
it we'll see because I don't know for
sure if he has anything planned after
his one thing that he does on Friday he
goes and prays on Friday at the mosque
but he has to be there from 1:00 to 1:30
and then he gets out so I don't know if
that will be already too late so maybe
we can probably maybe do it on Wednesday
or Thursday I don't know I'll keep you
guys posted on that because I'm not sure
exactly what we're gonna do
but again happy welcome if that made any
sense to all of the new subscribers I am
so happy to have you all here I have
been seen so many new subscribers links
to my thing and I wish there was a way
that I could directly go and welcome
each and every one of you guys as I see
you guys coming in but I can so I have
to wait until like if any of you guys
want to make a comment or something then
I can you know thank you for joining my
channel but I can't just like directly
go to you and say thank you for coming
and joining in
so I usually make my videos and I will
say it when I see a whole bunch of new
ones coming in because it makes me so
happy I am just I am so thrilled I am so
thrilled it makes me oh yeah definitely
it's just
it's such a confirmation to me of what
this channel is doing where it's going
what I wanted to become and I just
continue to hope that I can keep you
guys drawn in with my life experiences
and everything that you guys see here is
home real life like I don't put a fake
on I'm a normal normal person I'm a
normal mom I have my days I have hours
but I mean you know I just what you see
is what I am and I love to be so real
for you guys because you know there are
days that I struggle there are days
where it's just like oh my gosh oh I
need to run away but I always come back
and think of how blessed I am from all
of you guys and my kids and my husband
and that's all that matters to me it's
you guys you guys are my amazing
extended family and friends and then I
thought my amazing little family here
and it's just it it so completes me and
I could not be more thankful and happy
and excited to continue to see so many
new faces coming and it just makes me
feel so good to know that my name is
getting out there I encourage people to
please keep sharing my videos keep it
yeah sharing my channel just so we can
continue to grow this amazing community
of all of you guys and I just I love it
I love everything about this and I never
want to push you know subscribe you know
like my videos because you
this is me this is what this is this is
I enjoy doing this this is a great hobby
I would love people to subscribe because
of course that makes you know my channel
continue to grow it makes YouTube see me
and be like oh you know she's looking a
little bit more successful maybe we'll
put her videos where people will see
them more you know and that's my goal is
where I just want my videos out there so
that I can reach more people that are
struggling and maybe just don't know
that there is life out there and that
they're not alone struggling in same
issues or same paths or maybe not even
struggling from the same things I am
or that you guys are but that just need
that extra hand to hold or a friend to
you know to to hear from or listen to
and I see that with this channel so much
from all of you guys it's just amazing
so of course I want my channel to
continue to grow and of course I you
know I I wake up at night or wake up at
night I think I need to go to bed but I
wake up in the morning and the first
thing I think about are you guys I think
about wow I wonder what everybody's up
to I wonder if they're all having good
days today I wonder what their stories
are going to be today and then when I'm
going to bed at night I'm answering
messages and so of course that's the
last thing I think about are the
messages that I've answered back and
it's something I'm so passionate about I
am so passionate about helping people
and inspiring people and in bracing
people to learn how to embrace
themselves that this channel has just
become such an amazing passion of mine
and I love this channel with everything
I have in me and I hope that you guys
feel that love coming from me because
you guys you guys means so much to me
and I love what I do so much that you
guys helped me get through some days
that are the toughest days
and you guys are the ones that also help
put smiles on my face because I feel the
love coming from you guys just like I
hope you guys feel the love coming from
me
so anyways now I'm gonna go now that my
kids are all bathed and dressed for bed
I'm gonna go and charge up my phone and
then get these little rascals to bed and
then I'm gonna sit down and answer
messages so I hope you guys had a
wonderful day today as I will say I did
I hope you guys got some things done
like I did and take care and I will see
you guys tomorrow
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